Decoupling Your ‘But’: What to say when a church member comes out to you

What to Say When Someone Comes Out to You (A Guide for Church Leaders)

When a church member comes out to you, your first response matters more than your theology. If you’ve ever wondered what to say when someone comes out to you, this guide for church leaders will help you respond with clarity, compassion, and care.

Veteran youth ministry coach, Mark Oestreicher from The Youth Cartel, recently gave a training at Small Church Big Table on what to say when a church member comes out to you, a leader in the church.  (HERE is that training if you’d like to hear it all).

The first thing he said is that we have to “decouple our but.” Many of us have a lot of thoughts about people being LGBTQ—and we do not share those with someone who comes out to us, at least in the initial conversation. The problem is that  instead of saying, “God loves you. (PERIOD)” we say “God loves you, BUT…” and then that ‘but’ tends to erase from their memory everything in front of it. LGBTQ people need to hear the message without the ‘but.’ 

Regardless of your theology, there will be plenty of time to share it later on. But this initial conversation is NOT the time for that. In this initial conversation, you need to decouple your ‘but’ from your initial comment about “God loves you.” Let God’s love stand on its own. Let the person who came out to you not have to do any work to sort out your opinions and feelings. Instead, honor them by letting the space be safe from your ideas. 

Oestreicher unpacked for us 4 key things to say and 3 helpful questions to ask when someone comes out to you. He kept it very simple, especially since he most often trains youth workers, but the principles carry across all ages.

4 Crucial Responses

Here are the four things that MUST be said when someone comes out to you as a church leader:

1. Thank you for your courage in sharing with me. They just took a big risk they that shows a lot of trust in you. Name that risk and honor that trust.
2. God loves you. Regardless of your theology, this clearly falls in the center of what Jesus teaches and is often the first thing that they are wondering. 
3. We love you. It will be important for the LGBTQ person to know that you are for them, not against them. So often, as a leader in the church you are seen as God’s representative, so affirming your love is crucial.
4. You are welcome here. Too often, this type of conversation will be the last one that many LGBTQ people get to have with church leadership because they are asked directly or indirectly to leave the community. Belonging is so crucial at this critical juncture, so it matters that you affirm that your community will stand with them.

Unfortunately, these are rarely the things that LGBTQ people hear from their churches and their Christian families. As you read through the Gospels, however, they clearly align with the ways and teachings of Jesus. 

3 Helpful Questions

Here are the 3 questions that Oestreicher recommends asking:

1. How long have you known (or been wondering about this)? For some folks they may have known since they were a child; for others, this may be a flash in the pan idea that just came up. The answer affects how we continue the conversation.
2. Who else knows (and do you want help coming out to others)? Many times a church member comes to leadership because they need help in processing their situation in their family or at work, etc.
3. Do I have your permission to bring this up with you again? This question allows us to potentially come along side them in as they go on their journey. It also allows us to hold our theological convictions to a later date, knowing that more conversations will be possible.

By learning and practicing these responses and questions—and decoupling them from our ‘but’—we will show Christ’s love to the LGBTQ people who come out to us.

Grace and peace,
Bill

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