Should I Stay or Leave My Church?

For LGBTQ+ Christians, allies, and thoughtful church members, deciding whether to stay in or leave a church can be a deeply emotional and spiritual dilemma. It's not just about theology, it’s about community, family, calling, belonging, and hope. And the stakes are high.

At Small Church Big Table, we recently hosted a webinar titled: “Should I Stay or Leave My Church? Tips for Discerning Your Next Faithful Step.” The response was overwhelming. Heartfelt comments and deep engagement. Clearly, this is a question many are holding.

One of our panelists, Dr. Eric Seibert, put together a series of helpful questions to think through. These questions are designed to support anyone discerning what faithfulness looks like for them right now.

10 Questions to Ask Before Leaving a Non-Affirming Church

These questions, written by Dr. Eric Seibert, don’t offer easy answers, but they do offer clarity. Whether you’re an LGBTQ person, a family member, an ally, or a faith leader trying to decide what’s next, take time to reflect honestly.

Is there a precedent in your church for changing positions on issues like this?
Have you seen your church change on big issues before (like divorce, women in leadership, or politics)? If so, change might be possible here too.
Do the core values of your church support inclusion?
Could you make a case for LGBTQ inclusion based on your church’s existing mission, vision, or values?
Can you get an audience with “the Pope”?
Are there decision-makers in the church who will at least hear you out—even if they don’t agree?
Are there new things to try?
Have you tried everything already, or is there something new worth attempting (a class, a conversation, a book study, etc.)?
Are there likeminded individuals in the congregation?
Are you the only one? Or are there others who would walk this journey with you?
Do you have deep roots in this church or tradition?
Is this the church you’ve always known? How much would leaving cost you emotionally, spiritually, and relationally?
Are you free to talk about this in church?
Can you speak about LGBTQ inclusion publicly in any form—whether through Sunday School, a book club, a personal testimony, or event promotion?
Is the congregation at least welcoming?
Do they treat LGBTQ people with kindness and dignity—or with silence, suspicion, or rejection?
Do you want to invest your energy in trying to bring change?
Do you have the bandwidth to be a catalyst for transformation here, or is your energy needed somewhere else?
Can you stay healthy if you stay?
This may be the most important question. Can your mental, emotional, and spiritual health be sustained in this space—for you and your family?

If you answered most of the numbered questions positively (not the sub-questions beneath them), staying is more viable. If you answered most of them negatively, leaving might be the healthier option.

Our Panelists Also Shared These Helpful Insights:

It’s okay to outgrow a church—even one that shaped your faith.
Sometimes, God calls us to stay and disrupt. Other times, God calls us to leave and heal.
Staying doesn’t make you a coward. Leaving doesn’t make you faithless.
You don’t owe anyone your silence.
The goal is to follow Jesus—wherever that takes you.

If You're Wrestling With This Question...

We want you to know:
You're not alone. And you're not crazy for asking.
The journey toward deeply loving and embracing LGBTQ people, whether personal or congregational, is sacred work. And there’s no one-size-fits-all answer.

At Small Church Big Table, we exist to support people and churches navigating these questions. Whether you need coaching, conversation guides, or just a safe place to talk-we’re here.

You can watch the full webinar here