How to Start LGBTQ Conversations in Your Church Leadership Team

How to Start LGBTQ Conversations in Your Church Leadership Team

Practical steps for pastors and elders who want to begin but feel nervous about missteps or backlash.

You’ve seen the writing on the wall. 1 in 4 high school students identify as LGBTQ (CDC/JAMA/Gallup). You suspect your youth group is not exempt. You’ve heard of other churches imploding because they had some big tussle over their new website statement about being affirming (or not). You just know this conversation is coming for your church.

So how do you start LGBTQ conversations in your church leadership team in ways that are wisely paced, theologically resourced, and emotionally safe?

There is no way to start those conversations that is guaranteed to be easy or safe. But there is wisdom on how to prepare well. Here are seven quick steps to consider before you jump in.

1. Find a friend.

Think about leaders you know outside of your congregation who are wise and safe. Test the waters to see if there’s someone in one of your networks who can be a friend to you in this time. Ideally, they have no other agenda than to support you. You’ll need someone to bounce ideas off of, and inevitably you’ll want a safe place to blow off steam when a conversation goes poorly at your church.

2. Assess the situation.

Listen well to what’s going on in your church. Find someone safe in the youth group (bonus points if it’s a youth!) who can respond to an innocent question like, “What sorts of sexuality issues are coming up in youth group these days?” Follow any leads or instincts to learn about LGBTQ folks in the congregation. This information will be helpful to justify why the conversation is important: because you want to shepherd real people in your congregation.

3. Determine who asks the question.

In churches where it may be viewed as theologically suspect, it may be best if the question is NOT raised by the head pastor. In those situations, if you are the head pastor, having an ally in leadership is essential. They can bring up the question to the broader leadership without putting the you on the hot seat.

4. Open with the bible.

One way or the other, when the issue comes up it’s going to be helpful to remind everyone that your church is going to honor scripture. Having scripture ready beforehand will be helpful (like the church council in Acts 15 or the Bereans in Acts 17) to articulate that the conversation about theological questions will be modeled after similar and godly conversations in scripture. One leader we really respect put it this way: “We hold a high view of Scripture, which means that in asking this question, we believe we are asking a question of biblical interpretation, not a question of biblical authority.”

5. Be curious like Jesus.

Early on in the process – perhaps in the very first open conversation with leadership – it’s wise to establish Jesus’s approach to curiosity as the example of how to have conversations. In the gospels, Jesus asked over 300 questions. Ironically, one called “the Way, the Truth, and the Life” was only asked half the number of questions he’d asked. When it comes to initial conversations around LGBTQ questions, true curiosity will always lead to better answers. In our coaching, we regularly ask teams to write down questions early on, which inevitably helps set a framework of curiosity (and always brings up some great surprises).

6. Plan your answers.

At some point in this conversation, if you are the pastor, you will be asked directly, “What is your stance on gay marriage?” and “Do you think homosexuality is a sin?” You will want to think through those answers very clearly beforehand. Often it’s best to avoid yes/no or other simple answers, especially early on.

7. Get some coaching.

It’s so helpful to learn alongside other leaders that are starting to explore these questions. We’ve worked with many pastors who have intentionally gone through one of our cohorts over a year in advance of planning to bring up the conversation with their leadership teams. They work in advance so they can build their muscles and lay a wise and strategic framework for how to proceed forward. You may have coaching available in your regional or denominational network, or you could reach out to Small Church Big Table about a cohort or coaching.

Grace and peace,
Bill

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