Dear Christian Parents of LGBTQ Kids: We’re Sorry

Christian Parents of LGBTQ Kids: We’re Sorry. Here’s what we wish the church had told you.

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We get it - we lost half our church. Here are the top three reasons it was completely worth it and three next steps you might take.

Parents, we feel your pain. Your kid comes out and instead of giving you support, your church has made it all worse, either through its condemnation or its silence.

Parents, we feel your pain. Your kid comes out and you start feeling some deep things and most often the church has made it all worse. These are things we or our friends have heard in church:

- “You can’t love both Jesus and your gay child.”
- “It’s because you were a distant father (or a less traditional mother) that your child is gay.”
- “Your child is obviously rebellious.”
- “We need to pray that your child changes.”
- “Your trans child is an abomination.”

These are such painful things to hear as a parent. We are so, so sorry that the church has told you these things.

And then there’s the silence. It can feel deafening. When your church simply will not touch these issues with a ten-foot pole, and yet you live every day with the queer teenager you deeply love, how can you not feel like you’re an outsider, unclean, and unwelcome? Who will you share your questions with, what you’re wrestling with, and what you’re learning?

We believe that the church can and must do better. Here is what we wish the church had told you. (Note: this is not necessarily the list we’d share with church leadership - that blog is HERE).

You Are Not Alone

There are so, so many Christian parents out there like you. Sure, it can feel isolating to have your kid come out to you because you don’t know who’s safe to talk to and who is not. But believe us, you are not alone. Emily P. Freeman makes the same point in her poignant podcast “What We Wish We’d Known” about one of her kids coming out. She also says that she wished she’d known that she didn’t have to be afraid - because God is still enough and will come through.

God Loves LGBTQ Kids

This should be nonnegotiable: God loves queer kids. Every church should be able to say that, regardless of theology about sexuality and gender. Of course, too many church leaders fear the backlash for saying something like that. And so our LGBTQ kids are left wondering if they are a mistake, if they are inherently broken, if they are loved at all. No wonder queer kids are four times as likely to attempt suicide than their peers.

In their tremendous book, Embracing the Journey: A Christian Parents' Blueprint to Loving Your LGBTQ Child, Greg and Lynn McDonald never even say whether they take a traditional or progressive approach to the theological issues – they just unpack how to love well. Isn’t this what we’re all called to do, regardless of who our kids are? Two other short, great reads for parents are these:

Tom Shippee’s piece about being a gracious father with a different theology than his gay son.
Mimi Lemay’s letter to her trans son about what it has meant for her to truly accept him.

Your Kids Can Be Queer and Follow Jesus

Often we hear stories of churches presenting an either/or proposition: your child can either be gay (bi, trans, etc.) or be a follower of Jesus. Sadly, we also hear of parents who believe this teaching and conclude that their kids are rebelling by coming out and thus don’t deserve to be part of the family anymore. In our little church there are many LGBTQ people who were kicked out of their families for coming out, even though they were still actively following Christ, praying, and reading the bible.

Half of our church board is queer – these are serious followers of Jesus with wisdom and maturity, gifts and passion. While ours is an affirming church, we also have plenty of friends (including some at our church too) who hold to a more traditional view of gender and sexuality and they, too, are dedicated followers of Jesus (and leaders in their own right).

We desperately wish the church would tell more stories of faithful followers of Jesus who are LGBTQ, normalizing the experience for us all. (And that goes the same for the church sharing stories of all sorts of people who don’t feel welcome based on their immigration status, their mental health, or a disability to mention just a few more).

Talking About Having LGBTQ Kids Is Really Healthy

Silence can be so isolating for us, and so shaming for our queer kids. When your church never even mentions LGBTQ people, you can feel like you’re some sort of alien for having one in your home. Breaking the silence is crucial.

We wish the church talked openly about LGBTQ issues, including about having queer kids. Of course, this assumes that there would be actual conversations, where people share differing perspectives and insights. Too often our churches value certainty instead of faith, which shifts us from conversations to declarations.

For the kids who grew up in silent churches, they have to figure out their sexual and gender identities all on their own without the helpful input of wise adults. Google is not great at sex ed, but that’s where so many kids have to turn because their churches model that talking about these things is shameful.

The Bible Must Be Interpreted

This is where it gets tricky. Pastors like to pretend that the bible is really clear if you just know how to read it. And yet. And yet there are tens of thousands of Christian denominations – simply because the bible is not clear enough for us to agree. We disagree about everything from baptism to prelapsarianism, from drinking alcohol to immigration policy.

So it should be no surprise to you that when it comes to LGBTQ issues, the bible has to be interpreted. You’ll need to do some thinking, because it’s not all clear. Faithful, wise, loving followers of Jesus disagree about how to interpret the bible when it comes to LGBTQ inclusion. We wish the church acknowledged this openly instead of simply proclaiming there’s only one way to see it (which inevitably is their way).

You Have To Go on Your Own Journey as a Parent

We wish the church told you that having an LGBTQ kid meant that you were embarking on a challenging (and wonderful) journey with Jesus. You’ll get to learn so much about who your child is and what they need. You’ll have deep questions for God. You’ll probably have to rethink some things. And you’ll meet Jesus again and again.

If you let it, your child can be the impetus to reshape your heart more into the likeness of Christ.

Grace and peace,

Bill

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