When the Church Isn’t as Safe as the World

When the Church Isn’t as Safe as the World

What my LGBTQ+ friends accepted about me easier than most church friends ever have

Dear Church Leaders,

There’s a strange irony I’ve come to recognize in my journey: my LGBTQ+ friends have often been more accepting of me being Christian than many of my Christian friends have been of me being gay.

That truth might seem backward, at least it does to me. But in my experience, the harder conversation has almost always been within the church walls—not outside them.

Well into adulthood, as I began finding queer friends & even dating I found myself sharing more of my story with many new people in my life. Surprisingly, I felt increasingly welcomed by LGBTQ+ individuals more than I had ever experienced in my entire life in the church. People were willing to be in relationship with me—someone who had a christian worldview, even though we didn’t always agree. What mattered was honesty, respect, and encouragement.

I’ve openly mentioned my background of attending a Christian university, my former career as a missionary, even becoming ordained—and these revelations were often met not with dismissal, but with curiosity. At worst, a shrug. At best, sincere questions. There was space to show up fully, faith and all.

That’s not what I’ve come to expect in many Christian spaces.

Only a handful of close Christian friends have ever asked how I live with both my faith and my sexuality. Most others either retreat into silence, offer pity disguised as concern, or—explicitly or implicitly—communicate that I am consumed with sin which cannot be made clean.  

I spent years trying to hide or downplay my sexuality to remain acceptable in Christian circles. Rarely did I experience the same grace the church so often preaches. Instead, I internalized a message: You don’t fit here.

This is not just my story. In a piece for Teen Vogue, queer Christians reflected on similar dynamics. One contributor shared their experience with the church vs. LGBTQ+ friends taught them: “Go where you are celebrated, not where you are tolerated.” (Teen Vogue).

Even in affirming denominations, there’s often a sense of conditional welcome, or a fear of “going too far.” As Sojourners noted in their series The Joy of Being Queer and Christian, many LGBTQ+ believers remain “disenfranchised from their churches, not because they left God—but because their communities left them.” (Sojo.net)

The Message Behind the Silence

When churches avoid hard conversations or remain vague, it still sends a loud message—especially to younger generations like Gen Z, the most LGBTQ+ identifying generation in history. (According to a 2024 Gallup poll, 22.3% of Gen Z adults identify as LGBTQ+, more than any previous generation) (Gallup).

And these Gen Z Christians are paying attention. They aren’t just looking for churches that say “all are welcome”—they’re looking for churches that actually mean it.

I’m not asking every church to change its theology overnight. But I am asking: Can we be honest? Can we be brave enough to ask real questions? Can we love well, even in tension?

Jesus Didn’t Avoid the Margins

The Jesus I know didn’t shy away from people on the margins. He made space for the outsider, challenged the gatekeepers (that’s you, reader), and consistently placed love over law.

Making someone believe they are exempt from God's grace—or that they can never fully know God's love—simply because of their sexuality creates a skewed Christianity. It’s one Jesus never modeled.

It’s hard work to name where your church stands. But I’ve learned that clarity is an act of care—it tells the truth, even when it’s imperfect. And when done in love, it can be an invitation—not a rejection.

If your church wants to reach LGBTQ+ people, especially younger generations, silence is not neutral. It’s costly. And you can’t afford to pretend this isn’t a question that matters any longer. 

Small Church Big Table exists to walk with church leaders through these questions—not to prescribe a position, but to help you find the faithful, honest, and gracious way forward in your own context. Clarity might not change everything overnight—but for someone in your sanctuary, it could change everything.

Let’s talk. Set up free phone/zoom chat.

-David

LGBTQ Christian church safety