At Small Church Big Table we do not have a predetermined outcome in mind for the churches we coach around LGBTQ questions (whether that outcome be traditional, affirming, “third-way,” or something else). We get a lot of skeptical looks when we say that – but it is essential to our mission. This is why.
My Personal Story
Over ten years ago, when I wanted to explore my questions around LGBTQ people in the church, there were plenty of resources to tell me what the right answer was. They just didn’t agree on the ‘right’ answer (and had little regard for those whose ‘right answer’ differed from theirs).
There was virtually no one interested in coming along beside me to help me discern these questions for myself. And I really needed help.
I had this sobering realization that my son was gay, even though he was only 13 at the time.
You see, I had this sobering realization that my son was gay, even though he was only 13 at the time. He wouldn’t come out to himself and us for another 18 months, so God graciously gave me the gift of having a long runway to get ready for that moment (you can read about it HERE).
I needed that 18 months (and so much more!) to wrestle with scripture, church history and modern science to figure out what to think. Sure, I’d grown up as a conservative evangelical so I knew that basic approach – but I’d never done the work myself. Plus there was an increasing chorus of faithful, Jesus-loving Christians who were saying that scripture spoke differently to the issues than I was taught.
What I longed for was a wise guide or two who could point me toward the best resources from various approaches and who had the capacity to accompany me on my journey without judgment.
Our Church’s Journey
After my son had been out for more than a year, in 2016 our church plant knew we were going to have to face questions about LGBTQ people head on. There were queer folks in our midst, our denomination was in an uproar over the issue, and we’d come to realize that the neighborhood we’d move into was very gay. Somewhere around 20% of the homes on my street have gay folks living in them, so trying to understand these things was mission critical for us.
There were plenty of Christians telling our church how to answer the questions before we even knew what to ask. Some told us that the Bible was clear that we SHOULD NOT perform gay weddings, for example, while others told us that the Bible was clear that we SHOULD perform gay weddings.
But there was no one to help us discern a way forward for ourselves.
We wanted to be like the Bereans who put in the time themselves to sort through the scriptures about important things:
Now the Berean Jews were of more noble character than those in Thessalonica, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true. – Acts 17:11
In the end, we formed a Study Team, we built a curriculum, we solicited input from the congregation, and we brought in regional experts. For 18 months we went on an incredible journey that was a huge gift to our church (more about our journey in a later blog).
Our Secret Agenda
For me individually and for our church, we needed help that didn’t come with a big agenda. So that’s what we do now at Small Church Big Table: we provide coaching without a predetermined end goal in mind.
Practically, what that looks like is this: out of the dozens of churches and pastors that we’ve coached, probably a third have come out at the end as conservative, about a third have come out as affirming, and about a third have come out still uncertain or somewhere in the middle. And we feel great about each of those results.
We want to see people love better, in the name of Jesus. And we know that every single leader and community that we’ve worked with has grown to love LGBTQ people better.
That’s because our secret agenda is not very secret: we want to see people love better, in the name of Jesus. And we know that every single leader and community that we’ve worked with has grown to love LGBTQ people better. Each one has taken actual, measurable steps in showing the radical love of Jesus to a community that’s so often been mistreated and marginalized by Christians.
So that’s why we say that we don’t have an agenda for the leaders we coach – because we don’t. You know your context and community better than we do, and you get to discern where your own journey leads. It’s our only job to help you get to that clarity. Well, and to love better.
-Bill
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If you've got questions about the best way to start this conversation in your church or organization or if you find yourself in an unexpected conversation already and need some direction, reach out today to set up a free 15 minute call/zoom!