“Are your cohorts confidential?” was the first question Cohen* asked me. I could tell he was a wise man. As the lead pastor of an influential church, he knew just how messy it would be if others knew he was wondering about how their church should approach LGBTQ people. He wanted some undisturbed space and time to get his head around things first.
With LGBTQ kids in their youth group and a few gay people showing up on Sundays, Cohen knew that there wasn’t much time before differing perspectives in his church would start clashing, and clashing loudly. Their church came from a tradition that saw marriage as only between a man and a woman. However, so many in the younger generation – which now included a few board members – saw things differently.
Cohen wanted his church to discover their own way forward around these questions – he just didn’t know how to go about it.
Finding Your Own Way
Like so many other pastors, Cohen wanted his church to discover their own way forward around these questions – he just didn’t know how to go about it. In evangelical spaces, when there’s a significant disagreement about how to approach a topic, we want to go to the scriptures to help us sort it out. While some churches don’t view questions about LGBTQ inclusion as ‘on the menu’ for discussion, more and more do.
Typically, the leaders who do want their churches to go on their own discovery journey are facing a few scenarios. Some leaders have never done a lot of the theological work themselves on these questions. Some are facing a younger generation that is questioning the established approach. And some are motivated by seeing how poorly Christians have treated the LGBTQ community. Regardless, these are communities that usually have a diversity of theological perspectives and a desire to discover their own way forward.
Our goal is to serve churches who want to do the discerning themselves.
At Small Church Big Table, we work with church leaders of all persuasions without our own agenda about how their church’s journey will unfold. Some end up affirming. Some end up traditional. Some end up following some other approach. We are comfortable with all those outcomes. Our goal is to serve churches who want to do the discerning themselves.
It Starts with the Leader
For your church to go on its own discovery journey around LGBTQ questions, the first step always lies with the lead pastor. In the case of Cohen, even though he did not know where the journey would lead, he knew he needed to start mapping a way forward. And he knew he would have to lead the process.
If the lead pastor doesn’t step into it, the journey will never happen.
What we’ve seen in our coaching practice is that the first major stage on the discovery journey is all about the lead pastor. Sometimes there are a few key leaders trying to convince the lead pastor to go on the journey, so perhaps we could say the journey starts with those leaders. But one way or the other, if the lead pastor doesn’t step into it, the journey will never happen.
The Leader’s Three First Moves
Usually, the first thing that a lead pastor wants to talk about (after confidentiality!) is how to get their board engaged in the conversation, but there are actually two key steps that need to happen first.
The first big move is for the lead pastor to assess their own readiness. Do I have the emotional and spiritual bandwidth to enter into this journey? Is my spouse on board with me leading this journey? Have I counted the cost personally in case it does not go well?
The second move is to start thinking about how to frame the conversation. This will be crucial for both the board and the congregation. The key questions are things like, Have I read widely enough about LGBTQ issues in the church? Do I have a sense of what the bigger theological questions are at play here beyond the few bible passages I’ll need to grapple with? What are the core phrases and images that help capture my sense of God’s leading in this area?
The third early move is to assess your board and their readiness. The questions that need to be addressed are things like, Who is the safest board member to approach first with my thoughts? Is there someone who will want to immediately sidetrack or sabotage the conversation? How confidential will the board be if we enter into these conversations? What will help the board feel prepared to have this conversation? We’ll talk about this more in the next blog.
Building your personal support team is perhaps the most important part of this first stage.
A Closing Thought
The lead pastor is going to need a constellation of key supporters on this journey. A few trusted friends, some insightful teachers (often in the form of books or podcasts), often a therapist and/or spiritual director, and potentially a coach. And don’t forget your spouse – if they are not on board with you leading the process, it may well be smart to wait.
Building your personal support team is perhaps the most important part of this first stage. We'd love to help you frame this conversation - not the outcome - if you think Small Church Big Table could be a fit to be a part of your support team.
*Not his real name
-Bill
Read the next post in this series: Stage 2 (Board)