How Do I Share LGBTQ Resources with My Pastor?

We get asked a lot about how to initiate conversations in your church around LGBTQ questions. This is a quick guide to serve as a springboard to help you sort that out. Almost always the question is about how to bring this conversation to a person’s conservative church, which they love, but which has never really had this conversation before. 

Principle 1: Be Gentle With Yourself

It’s healthy to take a risk; it’s not healthy to endanger yourself or a loved one.

Unfortunately, we know so many people who have brought up this question only to be ostracized or excluded by their church leadership. So that’s why we have to address this issue first.

Even though talking to your pastor may feel like the right thing to do, you’ll want to start by paying attention to your own heart and soul first. Is now the right time for you, or are you under a lot of other stress? Is there a chance you will get insulted, or expelled - and if so, what’s your back-up plan for a spiritual community? Risk is fine - it’s always a risk to be vulnerable. But putting yourself (or a loved one) in danger is not ok unless you’ve got real clarity about next steps and support.

Principle 2: Build Your Team

You’re going to need a support team to move into this space. 

This may be as simple as asking a friend or two to be praying for you and then reporting how it went. Or approaching leadership may trigger deeper issues in you, in which case it might be best to talk it through with a mentor and/or therapist. Often, being part of a community through Embracing the Journey, The Reformation Project, CenterPeace, QCF, or the Post Evangelical Collective will be a key part of your support system. 

Part of your team is also who you are reading. You don’t need to be an expert, but having read some of the literature is probably going to help the conversation go better. That way you can get a sense of the different theologies involved in these conversations and different ways to proceed. HERE and HERE are great lists and HERE are my top 10 books of 2024 on the subject.

Principle 3: Start with Story

The best way into the conversation is always personal. 

Even at the first church council in Acts 15, they started with stories and not theology. So share one of these great articles or podcasts that are narrative or share about an LGBTQ person you know (without outing anyone who isn’t ready to be outed). Then share some of the questions and hopes and fears that are stirring in you.

• Some Conservative Christians are Stepping Away from the Gender Wars in the NYTimes
• How My Dad Reconciled His Dad and His Gay Son in the NYTimes
• After Their Son Came Out, this Conservative Christian Couple went into a Closet of their Own on CNN
• The Making Things Right podcast

Principle 4: Prep Wisely

You’ll want a clear plan that includes the who, what, when, and where of the conversation.

WHO: I recommend people talk to the church staff member 1) with whom they have the closest relationship because OR 2) who seems most open to trickier conversations. It’ll be a risk either way.

WHAT: Think through what you want out of the conversation. Most times, it’s enough to shoot for a bit of openness and a willingness to engage further. Then think about what it is you’re going to say. Setting expectations low can be helpful.

WHEN: Sunday mornings are notoriously bad times for pastors to have these sorts of conversations. We’ve got a lot on our minds, so adding a tricky conversation in between services or after a long morning can put us over the edge.

WHERE: You’ve got three approaches here. There’s the frontal assault approach of setting up a meeting in the pastor’s office. This has the possibility of a more thorough and helpful conversation, and also the possibility of  some real pushback. The second option is to do it informally at an event (outside of Sunday mornings) where you mention it to your pastor in a more casual way. The third is to do it by email - see sample below. All three have strengths and weaknesses.

Dear Pastor,

Thank you for all you do around our church. I wanted to bring up a question, and I feel anxious about it because while it’s important to me, it can often feel divisive in churches and that’s not what I want. 

I read this story (link to one of the ones above) recently and thought it was so interesting. That and other things have really gotten me thinking about how we can love the LGBTQ community better at our church. 

Part of what I’m hearing as I have started to explore this is that it’s helpful for the church leadership to communicate clearly about the church’s posture, position, and practices when it comes to LGBTQ people. The posture is our attitude, the position is our theology, and the practices cover things like would we baptize gay couple who started following Christ or even do a gay wedding. 

Is that something you’d be open to talking with me about, or perhaps there’s someone else better to talk with in leadership? 

Prayerfully,
Your name

-Bill